I have put off this post a million times. If you’re reading this you probably notice that the site is different, the name has changed and the person writing this post hasn’t followed through on something she promised herself she would do- start a blog. Yeah okay, I started a blog. I have started a lot of blogs. But I haven’t kept up with them. And I guess I feel the need to explain why, more for myself than for whoever is reading but yeah, really for me.
When I start any blog (including this one), I put a lot of pressure on myself to make it look really pretty with the best fonts, most professional backgrounds and convince myself that once it all looks perfect then it will be good enough to publish. I also do this with writing. I think about something I should write about, but by the time I actually sit down at my computer to get it out of my head I convince myself that it’s already been said. Someone else with another prettier blog has already said the same thing I was going to say, and their font is a lot trendier than mine, so I’m out. I shut it down, call it quits and convince myself that the internet doesn’t need another me. I realize there’s a lot of things wrong with that mindset, which is why I am here.
First of all, everything I just said before all comes back to why I started (and failed at) all the blogs in the past. I wasn’t doing it for myself. I was doing it to get the readers and the likes. While that’s nice, that’s not really why I like to write. Maybe it is silly to try to do this thing all over again. Maybe I lost whatever credibility I had before. But after every blog ended (and by ended I mean, the credit card expired on the subscription), I still had this thing inside of me. That thing being the words and the desire to put my thoughts out there, for me. Not for the likes, not for the readers, for me.
While I was in between another blog expiring and this one starting, I read a book that solidified all those desires that were still there. Deep down somewhere I knew that I had to write again. This book helped me get back to the blank page and go for it one more time.
“Gifts Are Bridges,” she writes, “I think God gives us each a gift or two so that we have something special to offer to others. But sometimes we make the mistake of assuming that the things we’re good at are common to everyone. We don’t recognize that our gifts are unique and therefore worth offering.” I mean, I have thought about these words almost everyday since I have read them. Because she is describing me. I think God has given me the gift, or at least the desire to write, but every time I sit down to do it I convince myself that my writing is common, not needed, not special. But it is, because it is mine. It’s my thoughts and my personality and my view of life. My writing is a gift to me and to God simply because it is mine.
Excuse me for wanting to just type out the whole chapter for you, but she goes on to write, “I think sometimes we get confused and believe that our gift must bring us money or success or fame. Sometimes those things do happen, but not usually. The only thing a gift needs to do is bring you joy. You must find the thing that brings you joy in the doing of that thing, and not worry about the outcome.” So, that’s what I am going to do here. This post, getting this out of my head and onto the page, it brings me joy to do so. This new start may be the beginning of a bridge into someone else’s life or it may just be for me. Either way, I am okay with that. I am okay that I don’t have the most professional blog out there, or the most readers or even own a nice camera to take good pictures for this. It’s just me and my writing and I am good. Nah, I feel great.